Undiscovered Mediocrity

It is with a heavy heart that I announce the death of the blog today. It has served me well over the years and I’d like to thank Pat for getting me up and running and for helping with problems along the way. Unlike the past, the reason for my long posting hiatus was not due to laziness or lack of inspiration. I have been blogging, quite regularly in fact. However, I have made the decision to devote my blogging time to my other blog. While it is my “writer’s blog,” I encourage you to check it out every once in a while and maybe even comment a time or two. Once again, you can find it here:

Murphblog

Thanks to everyone who has read this blog.

Whoo-hoo! An extra day of holiday break for me and the missus. And how did we spend this gift from God? I spent it dinking off on the Internets and shoveling snow. The Wife slept and watched TV. And Delaney wanted to hang out in her crib all day. Time well spent.

So this is either really spooky or there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation that people with more knowledge of the Internets and The Google could possibly provide.

I was googling my own blog, just to make sure that if you search for “Undiscovered Mediocrity” you still end up seeing the link at the top of the results. This makes it easier to tell people (co-workers, occasionally) about. It’s a lot easier than expecting someone to remember (or write down and not misplace) the actual web address.

Turns out it’s still right there at the top. Then I clicked where it says “Cache” and saw a post that I put up last week, but subsequently erased by accident when I tried to delete a spammer’s comment. Then I clicked on the Similar Pages link. Go ahead and try it. You will be surprised to see that out of all the websites in the WORLD, the site that is apparently most similar to my blog (however that is determined) is none other than Leslie Public Schools, which is where The Wife works. How weird is that?

BTW, I did pull up the Leslie site and checked its Similar Pages. Alas, no Undiscovered Mediocrity link to be found.

Just a few things on the Blogger’s mind tonight. First, thanks to those of you who have remembered the Blogger and his family and sent Christmas cards. I would like to tell you that ours is in the mail, but we have the pictures scheduled for next Tuesday so if we’re really good (and we’re usually not) you might have it by the end of next week.

Second, I have more good news on the writing front. I now have two, count ‘em two!, publishing credits to my name. Yesterday I received in the mail 2 complimentary copies of the December/January issue of PKA’s Advocate containing my poem “House Warming.”  This is a non-paying market, but since they only buy first rights I can resell the poem elsewhere.

Third, is it just me or is this switchover to all digital cable being treated like an incoming asteroid? I can’t tell you how many warnings/reminders/tests I have seen on the tube. Do we all really need to be that concerned that a few people might miss an episode of The Bachelor?

Fourth, you have probably seen that the Illinois governor, Rod Blagojevich (and yes, I did have to look that up) has gotten himself in all sorts of trouble. Right now it seems like his biggest crime was attempting to sell Obama’s Senate seat, but I think there’s a much larger issue that the press is ignoring. I mean, how can we let a man with hair like his freely walk the streets?

Sweet Hair

Random shit from the mind of The Blogger:

I’m going to use the tilde for this one because how often does one really get to use the tilde, eh?

~ (Lookin’ good, tilde!)

~ Did you know that the $700 billion bailout is going to cost each American family $6,500? I think that begs the following question: If a $6,500 bill from the federal government showed up in your mail tomorrow, would you be willing to pay it?

~ Who do I blame for peppermint candies?

~ The Spartans are headed to Tampa and so am I. Who’s with me?

~ When you grow up and all the selfish excitement about getting Christmas presents disappears, Thanksgiving might just be the best holiday. Low stress, low cost, time off work right when I usually need it. Three things to be thankful for right there.

~ I spelled “schmorgasboard” correctly on the very first try! It must be my Swedish roots.

~ Why do so many smart people have no clue about public perception? And yes, I’m talking about you, Big 3 CEOs. Flying into D.C. on separate private jets? Jesus, you guys can’t get out of your own way, can you?

~ Then again, talk about the pot calling the kettle black. You think GM’s bottom line is in trouble, try looking in the mirror there, Mr. Congressman.

~ And while I’m on it, is the fact that these yahoos flew in on private jets really the biggest story to come out of these hearings, because if it is, then I’d say that is a bigger travesty.

~ The best news show on TV is not “Meet the Press,” but Howard Kurtz’s “Media Matters” on CNN.

~ How is possible that I have approximately 600 socks, but only two or three matching pairs?

~ I was planning to mow/mulch the leaves in my front yard, but then it snowed, so the hell with it.

~ Man, those gays out in California are pissed off! Somebody should probably explain to them how a democracy works. You know, all that voting and majority rule nonsense.

~ Of all the buttons in my Firefox toolbar, the “Forward” button gets the least use, by far. The “Back” button gets the most. (Okay, sorry. This one is very Larry King or Joe Falls, but I was thinking it at the time.)

~ I think Rich Rod was a fantastic hire for the University of Michigan. Go Blow, suckers!

I’ve extended another tentacle into cyberspace. My researching of agents has made it clear that they like to see an online presence, so I’ve created a blog for my writing life. Nowadays, many publishing houses expect authors to market themselves and the primary way writers do that is online. Therefore, agents like to see that writers have at least some technical knowhow (I don’t, but don’t tell anyone) and I’m looking for any advantage I can get. Most of you (whoever you still are) probably won’t care to check on it all that often since most of my posts will be about my writing, which, while exciting to me is hardly exhilarating to anyone else, but it’s there in case you want.

Here’s the link: Murphblog

Remember how in college you’d stay up really late cramming for the next morning’s exam because maybe you fell asleep in class or you were too lazy to take notes or you took notes, but lost them, or, you know, you like, didn’t bother to go in the first place because it was too early or it was too cold or it was raining or you had a hangover or you just plain had better things to do, like play video games or watch the O.J. Simpson trial?  Remember that?

And remember how when you finally finished that exam you didn’t really care how you did because you were just glad the damn thing was over? Felt good, didn’t it? That pretty much sums up my feelings about the election.

Before I get on to exactly why I’m glad it’s finally over, allow me to offer my analysis of the results. There were two reasons why the Democrats had a big night and they are both very simple. Please spare me the “country is moving left” argument and don’t muddy the waters by placing voters into nicely packaged, monolithic groups (even though that was exactly what the African Americans were) and say that Obama won because the [fill-in-the-blank] voted for him.

Barack Obama won because people are sick of George Bush (including many in his own party) and Americans like to give the other guys a shot every once in a while and because (and this is the big one) Obama is more likable than John McCain. That’s pretty much it. The country is pretty evenly split when it comes to party and so, for the most part, Presidential elections come down to Independents. In my book, another word for independents is “indifferents.” These are the people who have better things to do than watch “Meet the Press,” the people who vote based on feel. They may not even know the policy differences, but they know who they like and that is all important.

Since at least 1980(and possibly back to 1960), every winner of the Presidency has been more likable than his opponent.

Now, to the good stuff…

There are a number of reasons why I am happy this whole thing is over, not the least of which is the following list (Hey, I like lists, they’re very tidy) of things that were beginning to really annoy the piss out of me. In no particular order (well, except for the last one):

** Women voters—You know how some women are always bad mouthing other people, but can’t seem to actually shake them off. They’ll go to a party and talk all kinds of shit about Susie and claim that they’ll never talk to Susie again, but later, after they’ve had a few, they’re giving Susie hugs? That was what disaffected Hillary voters did. They were all spiteful about how Obama treated them, but when it came down to it, who did they end up voting for?

** “Gaffe”–almost always used in reference to Joe Biden’s many missteps. You would think people who are paid to write could come up with a synonym.

** Celebrities telling me that this is the most important election in my life–just STFU.

** Sarah Palin–good riddance. Come back when you know something and when you’ve fixed the accent.

** “Saturday Night Live”–Feel free to crawl back into the hole of irrelevance from which you inexplicably emerged.

** The Bradley Effect –otherwise known as the “We’re pretty sure white people in this country are still as racist as they’ve ever been Effect.” Nevermind that 96% of Blacks voted for Obama. It’s only racism if you vote for a white guy because of his skin color.

** TV Stations’ Technology–Okay, the hologram on CNN was completely awesome and so Star Wars it was frightening. I kept expecting to see them beam in Princess Leia so she could say, “Help me Obama, you’re my only hope.”  But the rest of it was ridiculous. There was more shit on my screen than I could possibly read. I get that you spent a lot of money, but I really don’t care how all this crap works. Just cover the election! And, I’m sure there are some people somewhere who really want to know the breakdown of voters in Pinellas County, Florida, but I don’t know any of them.

** “Battleground States”– After all these years, there has to be something else we can call them. There was a time when they were sometimes referred to as “swing states,” but that seems to have become passe. I guess “battleground” does sound a lot tougher than “swing.” Perhaps in 2012 we can call them “Gladiator” states or some other cool sounding word.

** “Change”– Blech. We’ll see how much “change” there ends up being in Obama’s cabinet. Methinks he’s going to round up the usual suspects.

** “Maverick”– If I never, in my entire life, hear this word uttered again, I will have still heard it about 100 times too many.

With my least favorite holiday (ah-another idea for a Top Ten list!) right around the corner, I thought it was high time to roll out another Top Ten. This one has everything to do with the reason for the season–candy, or as you will soon see, sometimes treats that are not candy.

Please avoid doling out the following terrible “treats” to the innocent youngsters that show up at your door. Most of them have done nothing to you.

TOP TEN WORST HALLOWEEN TREATS

HONORABLE MENTION:

DUM DUMS–These suckers truly suck. You know it’s a terrible candy when you can buy them in bags of approximately 2,000 and EVERY SINGLE STORE that sells candy stocks them. They are like that song “What if God was One of Us?” from the 1990s–terrible, yet impossible to avoid.

TOOTSIE ROLLS–They look like mini-turds, taste about the same, and might just yank out any recent fillings in your teeth.

10. HOME-BAKED COOKIES–Dear Grandma, just because your chocolate chip cookie recipe is adored by your grandkids does not mean you should mass produce them and drop them into trick or treat bags. Why? Because no child is going to eat them. First, they crumble to pieces at the bottom of the bag. Second, mass produced cookies are usually scorched in places, and third, you just might have mixed in some rat poison. Right in the trashcan with these.

9. BIT-O-HONEY–If you’re lucky enough to remove the wrapping from this crapola candy, you are then treated to a jaw workout, all the while enjoying the flavor of–what, exactly? You would think honey, but I like honey and I do not like this. Most of this candy ends up cemented to your molars and you spend the next five minutes digging it off with the nail of your index finger.

8. NECCO WAFERS–In the mood for a candy that tastes exactly like chalk? Enjoy.

7. ANY BAGGED FOOD–These come from the real cheapskates who buy a huge bag of M&Ms and then parcel them out into Ziploc baggies. Your hand touched it, I ain’t eatin’ it. And may God forgive you if you put your homemade chocolate chip cookies in baggies.

6. CANDY CORN–Doesn’t taste like candy. Doesn’t taste like corn (which might actually be an improvement). There’s a reason why you only see candy corn around Halloween: It’s made by the Devil himself.

5. THOSE PEANUT BUTTER GLOBS IN BLACK AND ORANGE WAX PAPER–This treat is so bad, no one bothered to name it. I always wonder what the candy factory that makes these does during the rest of the year.

4. RAISINS–See here.

3. APPLES–Straight to the dumpster. Look, I get that you think candy is bad for kids, but giving them an apple is not going to cause them to pause and say, “Gee, if I eat this candy I might get sick, or I could get cavities, or I could start a downward spiral that leads to obesity and diabetes, I’ll eat the apple instead.” No, what they’re going to say, right after they toss it into the kitchen trashcan (if it even makes it that far–apples make for excellent target practice) is “Pssh, someone gave me an apple! Gross!” Save your indignation for something important.

2. PENNIES–Do you know that it costs the U.S. mint more to make a penny than that penny is worth? So, not only are you giving children something that is almost literally worthless, you’re actually costing taxpayers money. Look, any kid can find a penny under his mother’s couch cushion. Know why? Cause mom just left the damn thing there, which is exactly what you should do, old lady.

1. POPCORN BALLS–Has anyone ever finished one of these things? Is there a prize in the middle? Cause if not, I see no reason to eat one. If you’re lucky enough to dislodge a chunk of popcorn from the ball, you’ll be treated to a flavor most resembling paper. Butterless, saltless, paper. Who thought this would be a good idea? I mean, where the hell did these things start? Did some old lady raid her cupboards looking for a treat and, finding only popcorn kernels, decide “What the hey, kids love popcorn!” And then, after the corn was popped, did this same old lady suddenly realize she had no effective way of delivering the snack. “Oh, I know. I’ll just add some glue, or chewing gum, or rubber cement, or whatever the hell is used to bind everything together into a spherical, tasteless mass and I’ll give the kiddies that. They’ll like that, surely they will.” Why would an old lady (because it’s ALWAYS an old lady) do that to innocent children? Who in their right mind would think that a child, presented with a truckful of candy, would take the time to gnaw at a popcorn ball? Surely, not someone who liked children, which is why I believe this snack was contrived by witches. That’s right. Witches. What else could explain it? In fact, it makes perfect sense. If not witchcraft, how do they get that popcorn to stick together with such perfect symmetry?

Dump Internet Explorer (like you should have at least five years ago) and install Mozilla Firefox.

So remember that poem I’ve got that’s coming out in Humpty Dumpty in the Nov/Dec issue? Well, it seems as if they’re paying me actual money for it. I sort of assumed I’d just get mailed a few contributor copies and that would be that, but today, when I grabbed the mail, what should I find but an invoice from The Children’s Better Health Institute. They’re paying me forty bucks for my forty-six word poem. Not too shabby. They’re also sending ten, count ‘em, that’s ten! copies of the mag so that means I can give one to all my friends and still have seven left over.

Poetically Yours,

William Wadsworth Blogfellow

(Hehe–”Wadsworth”)